Something Fishy
by Eric Burnfeild
Summary: Arthur goes fishing to settle his nerves. But everything changes as he gets visited by something rather strange. Short fic. Lots of swearing. Cod.


_Amateur's Note: This is nothing serious, just a joke taken to far._

 _Sincerely, Emilio Brunfeild_

 **Something Fishy**

 _By: Emilio Burnfeild_

 _Frosty air. Autumn leaves. Windless. Tranquillity._

Arthur thanked the lord above for the weather and for fishing. Alfred's constant screaming about Halloween had made him go mad. Now he could finally find some piece. He didn't think it would be as easy to row out in the the lake. After all he hadn't done it in a few years. The crispy leaves in the bottom of boat sure reminded Arthur that he should do this more often. It felt almost scary how silent the world could be by the lily pads and reed. Arthur couldn't even hear the road above the hill. He smiled for himself and leaned back and watched bobber glide on the soft water surface. He could care less if he got any fish at all. Though he knew cod could be fished at this time of year. But it was highly unlikely at this kind of lake. It was too small and maybe a bit too clear.

 _Or so he thought._

As soon as he looked away he felt his fishing rod bend. Arthur's pulse went frantic and he jumped up from his seat in excitement. He tried to grab the hoop-net next to him but was forced to hold the rod with both hands.

"Bloody hell. Are you some kind of sea monster, lad?" He muttered and tensed up. This was a strong one, big for all Arthur knew. He had to bend his entire body to get the fish to the surface. Arthur smiled widely as he felt the tugging seize. He had fatigued the sea creature. All needed now was to get it hoop-net. Arthur made the mistake of letting one hand go of the rod just as a big jerk threw down into the rowlock forehead first.

"GAAAAAH! FUCK! GOD BLOODY FUCKING SHIT! BOLLOCKS! AH!" He swore, more then necessary, louder then necessary. But in the processes of cursing and the adrenaline shooting through his body he somehow managed to throw his catch into the bucket of water standing on the bottom boards in the other end of the small row boat.

"God damn it that hurt. Shit." Arthur still felt his forehead, constantly looking back at his hand to make sure he wasn't bleeding. It took him a while to notice that he actually caught something. When he eventually did he raised his brows and made his way over to the bucket. He stared down at the fish.

"Well fuck me sideways, you're a cod. A small cod but still a cod. Damn you're strong." Arthur sat down and took the took the fishing line, following it into the bucket. The hook was still stuck. He spoke silently for himself as he placed his hand in the water. "Okay. Don't do anything stupid I'm just going to take back the hook." The fish was slippery and he couldn't get a good grip. "Damn it stay still." Arthur suddenly heard something and looked up. It sounded like a voice. Maybe someone heard him? His embarrass moment wasn't unnoticed but he still didn't see anyone. The lake was empty and so was the peers.

A cold core spread through his spine as he remembered all the ghost stories he had been hearing from Alfred about a lake woman. He scoffed and shook his head. Arthur had nothing to be afraid of. It was just him and the fish. He finally caught it with his right hand and slowly lifted it out of the water. The hook was stuck in the lower lip. Arthur didn't know if he needed tongs. Probably not. He just needed to pull it out hard. As long as the fish didn't flounder it would go out easy.

Arthur took the hook and bent it sideways and heard the mysterious sound again. Maybe he was being watched? He bent the hook some more before he started to pull and the fish screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOON!"

Arthur dropped the fish and fell back landing on the wooden floor head first. He swore yet again a little bit louder then expected. "FUCK!" He sat up and watched the cod jump around screaming it's lungs out.

"AH! PUT ME BACK! PUT ME BACK IN THE WATER! I CAN'T BREATHE! HELP! HEEELP!" Arthur blinked out of confusion wondering if he was dreaming until the fish stared back at him. "HELP ME GODDAMMIT!" A bit questioning of his sanity Arthur rose up and put the fish back in the bucket. He looked around him. No one was round. No one could be making sound except the fish. Arthur furrowed his brows and leaned over the bucket. Was it a magic fish? He had heard about some talking fish granting wishes. Maybe this was it?

The cod rose up to the surface and started speaking faster and faster the longer he stayed up. "Oh please Monsieur don't eat me! I promise you I taste horrible! I beg of you to realise me back into the water I'll do anything! _Mon Dieu_!"

Arthur recognised that voice al to well but couldn't believe it. "Francis?"

The fish stopped speaking and just looked at him for a moment before he turned round. "Oh _non_! It's you! Don't look at me!"

Arthur couldn't help the laughter or the amount of happy tears that formed in his eyes as he laughed his ass of. "Oh my god are you a fish?!"

"Stop laughing it's not funny!" Francis plead and covered his face with his fins.

Arthur's stomach was cramping at this point. "Wait...Ahaha...Wait I got to take a picture." He pulled out his phone and turned it to the side.

" _Non_! Stop!" Before Arthur could snap a picture, Francis jumped up and slapped the phone out of his hands with his back fin.

"Hey! Watch it you little-" Arthur stopped mid sentence and felt the giggles bubble in his. "I was going to say frog but-" He didn't have time to say anything more before he received a fish slap to his face.

" _Non_! Don't even say it!" Arthur was going to insult him again but he was honestly impressed by Francis acrobatics, he was a fish after all. He cleaned his cheek and looked at Francis. He looked just like any cod. The only features he recognized was the voice and his body language. Arthur had never seen a fish swimming that sassy and fabulously.

"Francis, mind me asking how you got like this?"

"I don't know! The last thing I remember was the surprise party at your place!"

Arthur felt his stomach drop and a sweat forming on his neck. He tried his best to make eye contact and smile but in the back of his mind he remembered the enchanted drink he gave Francis. "Do you remember anything else?"

" _Oui_!" Francis swum back and forth in the bucket as he spoke. "At the end I felt very ill! Everything became so loud and I had to go to the bathroom and puke! Luckily Matthew kept an eye on me and got me to bed! Arthur...what's so funny?"

He hadn't noticed it himself, but Arthur's smile had gradually become a grin as Francis explained further. "Oh, nothing. Go on."

Francis glossy eyes shut up in realization. " _It was you!_ How could you do this to me?! You piece of stinking English trash!"

"Oh so I'm the one who is smelly? I'm pretty sure I can smell something-" Arthur enjoyed the sour expression on the cod's face.

"Don't do it eyebrows." Francis growled.

"Fishy."

" _Oh_!You had to? You really had to, didn't you?"

Arthur was having the time of his life as he saw the fish dramatic turning and twisting in the bucket.

"Why did you do this? I know I can be a bit bitchy but this is horrible! I've eaten nothing for four days! This lake is filled with filth and I can only steal bread from ducks if I'm lucky! Do you know how scary they look from underneath? The poop on you without even blinking!"

Francis frantic speaking made Arthur gasp for air as his laughter smothered him."Listen, I'm sorry Francis. I didn't think it would work."

"You know what? I hate you right now. I hated you before, but now I really hate you. I hate you with a burning passion."

"Oh, so what are you going to do? Make me wet?" The Englishman leant on his knees and kicked the bucket lightly.

"I may be a fish but I have teeth and I know _exactly_ what would fit in my small gums before I bite it off!" Francis hissed and lashed water at Arthur.

"Excuse me?!" Arthur felt his face redden of both fury and embarrassment.

"You heard me!" Francis spit as a final one liner before he became melodramatic. "Just turn me back already I can't stand it! I'm slimy all the time and I can't take it off because it hurts if I do!"

"Oh, it can't be that bad!" It only now occurred to Arthur that he was talking to a fish. If someone saw him now, he would be taken to a mental asylum. He rose from his seat and looked around yet again. No one around. Looks like he was safe.

"HELLO?! Are you listening to me you idiot?!" Arthur almost fell off his feet as Francis had raised his voice. "Do you know how fish have sex? _They don't!_ I'm miserable!"

"Calm down Francis! Shit what if someone hears you."

" _Non_! I won't calm down before you turn me back into the sexy young man I once was!"

"Okay! Okay!" Arthur took a deep breath and kneeled beside Francis. "I don't know if I can turn you back."

The fish looked him in the eyes before he turned around and slowly turned upp-side-down. And then he stayed that way.

"Francis?" Arthur sighed deeply. Francis could be such a drama queen. "Francis. I know you are faking it."

" _Non_ , I'm not. I'm dead." The cod responded and started to sink slightly.

"No, you're not."

"I might as well be. I'm not living my life as a fish. _Au revoir_. I'm dead because of you." Francis sunk to the bottom off the bucket and seized to move.

For some reason, Arthur felt his bitter heart cringe. He actually felt bad. Surprised by his own feelings Arthur had to remind himself of what an arse Francis could be. Like that one time when ordered drinks for a whole house and left Arthur to pay for all of it or when he removed the shower curtain along with the bathroom door in his house. Arthur felt a cold core down his spine as he was remembered his despise for Francis.

But he still felt bad for him.

"Okay, I can't turn you back but perhaps someone else could." There was a slight movement in the fish's tail as Arthur continued. "You need something called...I can't believe I'm saying this, you need a true loves kiss."

Francis carefully rose to the surface and placed his head just above the water. "So?"

Arthur sighed once and looked away to try to focus on something else then the damn fish. "Someone who loves you needs to kiss you." Francis was silent for a moment but then Arthur heard that god awful laughter bubble up.

" _Ohn ohn ohn ohn ohn._ "

Arthur never believed he would be able to see a fish with devious eyes. But he did. It was crystal clear as he looked down in the bucket. " _What?!_ "

Francis leaned on the edge of the bucket and raised what looked like his current state of eyebrows. "Come here baby. Kiss _moi_." He said teasingly.

Rage and a slight fear twisted Arthur's gut as he crossed his arms and leaned back. "Firstly, there is no way I'm kissing a bloody wanker. Secondly, you are a fucking cod. Thirdly, I hate you." He stated clearly and furrowed his brows.

Francis still displayed seductive face and an impeccable grin. "Oh, I know you love me, Arthur. There is no denying."

At this point, Arthur didn't know if his rapid pulse were of anger or of embarrassment. All he knew was that his face was probably redder then it was six weeks ago when he had made the mistake of being outside in the Californian sun without sun lotion.

"Come on, Arthur. We can only do fishy kisses." Francis said and pouted his lips.

"I told you it wont work you bloody fool! I-I'll call someone for you!" As Arthur, in complete panic, searched his pickets for his phone he was attacked. He didn't know how Francis could manage that speed in such a small distance, but he jumped out of the bucket and was now millimetres from crashing onto his face. With one last regret of going fishing that day, Arthur's and Francis' lips met before he closed his eyes.

Arthur fell backwards and hit his head before the weight of Francis pained him even further. Lost of breath Arthur opened his eyes again and met Francis'. They were blue again framed by eyelids and eyelashes. He saw them blinking a few times before Francis realized what had obviously happened.

The Frenchman sat up looking at his arms and legs and cheered. "I'm me again! Oh _mon Dieu_! I'm beautiful again! And... _naked?_ "

"Get off you perv!" Arthur groaned as he tried to push Francis off him but was without success.

"I knew it." Francis looked down on Arthur and smiled widely.

Blood filled Arthur's face as he searched for a comeback but was left stuttering the first thing that came to his mind. "P-P-Platonic love! I swear! Now get off you dam-" He was left speechless as Francis wrapped his arms around him and nuzzled his nose next to Arthur's neck.

"That's enough for me." Francis whispered.

Arthur was frozen in place. Speechless and oddly comfortable with Francis chest pressed on his. He sighed. He's lost the battle already. No need in trying to annoy the Frenchman any more.

"Do you have a spare pair of pants?"

"No, sorry." Arthur said and felt the pain in the back of his head.

"Ah, you know I think this is fine. I'm used to it by now."

 _Mon Dieu: My God_

 _Non: No_

 _Oui: Yes_

 _Au revoir: Goodbye_


End file.
